There are two ways that I use to cope when I have lost someone in my life.
(1) Commemoration
(2) Accepting and continuing to live on
The two overlap, for sure. This blog will be dealing with the second.
Accepting and coping for the living. We live for ourselves, as least we all should. In order to live the fullest of our lives, we should be happy. I mean find joy in our life, living to the best of our ability and goodness with a positive outlook. All right that shit is hard to do. Honestly, I am going to keep things real and this will be heavy.
I called the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline the weekend before last. I was sitting in my old room that I will soon be calling my room again in July. I was looking at my phone wondering if I should call or not. I made the choice and called, waited and was connected with a counselor. I had suicidal thoughts when I was in high school, but I had not come so close to those thoughts in a long time. What prompted me was after waking from a nap after writing these words in my phone, “Is life really worth living anymore?”
When I woke up from my nap, I decided to seek help. I surprised myself with typing those words in the first place. I knew that nap was to sleep it off hoping that indifference would go away, it sort of did but I knew I could not wonder anymore if I truly felt that way. I needed to talk it out with someone.
I know my family was downstairs, but I don’t know there is just a pressure from people who know you and you do not want to scare people with your raw emotions. The whole point of me explaining this is trying to communicate that when we are in a really low place, there is still hope. There is a place of growth waiting to be explored like a lotus growing out of a swamp. I had to be in that dark place in order to find myself. I am still in that dark place, in all truth. I am not as in deep as I was that Sunday evening…but I am not completely definite about where my life is going. That unknown is scary and sometimes I cannot handle it.
I do not think we need to pressure each other to be happy all the time, or to have that positive outlook, but that hope exists and there will be times when it feels like even that slight hope is an impossible effort. Life is a rollercoaster, full of ups and downs. We cannot judge those who are stuck and those who may not seek help. There are many ways to cope, and yes calling the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is one way. And that was the way I was comfortable with at the time. There are so many other ways to cope and we just need to have access to those different ways.
When I was in high school, I had suicidal thoughts. I became a high school art teacher for the very reason that what saved me was creating art. Since art has become my career, it does not have the same force in its expression when I was in high school. That is where climbing has come to fill that former outlet’s void. I do still create though, when time allows. I am now finding myself more and more everyday. I am doing a lot better than I was last Sunday and I knew I had to be in that place to come to accept myself and where I am going in my life. I know that may have been heavy to read and I am very grateful for your support in reading this post.
I would like to end this blog post with something my student had commented on. The photo above was when I was a sophomore in high school and I had put that in my about me slideshow to show me students as an introduction to my ceramics class. A student in my advanced ceramics commented on the photo, “You looked like you needed a hug, Ms. Salonga!” I told him, ya…I really did. As cliché as it is, hug the people you love. Tell them you love them. I definitely let my friends and family know I love them.
Sea salt crema oolong tea – brother’s
Short People Beta 