I am currently training for the Spartan Race on December 1. Not only am I teacher, who’s salary is quite measly, I am also off for the summer. A perk of being a teacher that I know is the envy of most. With my personality, I am not so good with transitions or change from a structured schedule. There are many things that happen when the school year ends. On a side note: I mentioned my salary due to the fact that I would have traveled but because of my living situation and the very high cost of rent in the Bay Area I am unable to travel this summer.
Again, I teach high school Ceramics. The majority of my ceramics classes are Seniors, and as a result I am pressured to get my Seniors graded and out of there as soon as I can. Yet, I still have work to do with my Juniors, the very few Sophomores I have, and Freshmen. Teaching all grade levels can be a nuisance, but I love the environment since kids get exposure to new students, maturity levels and point of views. I typically stop going to the gym the last few weeks of school, overeat due to stress and feel like a chunky monkey. I accept this fate freely since it is only temporary, and I end the school year knowing that I will eventually get to the gym. Then sadness hits while I bid my Seniors adieu as they walk down to accept their diploma, which welcomes even more overeating since I love eating my feelings.
That is usually the timeline for the last week of May, first week of June. This year, as all that overeating was being done, I was asked to join the Spartan Race happening December 1. I have the worst time transitioning, I overtly love my students. So cold turkey, good bye students after finals and graduation literally breaks a part of my heart. I was depressed and did not want to join the Spartan Race, but KNEW this would be the only way to motivate myself to get moving. I accepted the challenge to get back into shape and stay focused on myself.
There is something else you should know, I am a giver. I have codependent tendencies that totally fuck with my anxiety and sometimes deepens my depression, and at times I am completely unaware of its effect! In part, I feel like I am a good teacher because I have these codependent characteristics. I am sensitive to my students’ needs, emotional states, and am very understanding to their situations. Basically, what I am trying to explain is that I do not actually enjoy summers. Perhaps it is because last summer, my boyfriend at the time and I broke up at a wedding – you can read the details in my next entry – but the reality is that I had not given myself a good summer. I could easily add this summer to become a bad track record, but I refuse. My heart is broken, yes, but now I have changed my mindset this summer. The only way to not be so damn codependent, is to be independent. Here I am, blogging, doing my best to write out all the bullshit that floods my mind and put it somewhere so that I can not only share it but take it off my chest. Also it is a good reminder of where I am in my head, instead of just feeling and being confused, I am putting it in words and making sense of it. I am also taking care of my physical self. My needs fall to the waist side when I exhibit those codependent tendencies because I lack self-care, boundaries, and being selfish. How the hell am I going to be a good a teacher if I am not actually caring for myself? That is impossible. Again, through understanding my goals of being a caring, nurturing, straight up good educator I need to put myself first.
To just be a good, happy, live life to the fullest human – I need to put myself first before I can care for anyone.
Short People Beta 